1 May 2012 Part One

Feelings: Home alone, shark week (birthday yesterday which was celebrated by just my dad’s girlfriend and myself. Spent the day alone with my dog. Today, nothing really. Read a little, went to Home Depot to try and kill the ants first with Terro and then with Raid. Poison Poison Poison.

1. Who is the most important person in your life, and why?
Everything keeps pointing back to Zachary. If he was not a big factor in my life, I would have probably stupidly done a lot of bad things.
He’s enjoying his childhood, something I can barely remember and I’m here to film it and photograph it and relive the memories when he is older.

2. What is the one dream for your life you most look forward to achieving?
Working with the environment and with animals. Especially in Iceland.

3. Who has the capacity to make you angrier than anyone else in your life, and what in particular does he or she do to make you so angry?
My mother due to the fact that I have never truly trusted her.

4. Who has the capacity to make you feel loved more than anyone else in your life, and what in particular does he or she do to cause you to feel so lovable?
Zachary, his love is undeniable. Whether we play ball in the driveway or take the hammer to an old pallet.

5. How do you feel about yourself—physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually?
Physically, okay – I should probably start going out for walks more. Mentally, eh stable enough. Spiritually, eh.

6. When do you feel inspired? How does it feel when you are inspired?
Spontaneous, whenever Zachary has some wild idea and I feel like jumping onto the bandwagon. Or I find something creative (food, photography, building, gardening) wise and want to try it out.

– Empty peanut butter jar bird feeders, wooden pallet for plant holders, that stuff.

7. What is the most important thing in the world to you?
Providing a loving and nurturing atmosphere for my brother and sister.

8. If you had one day to live, how would you want to spend it?
With my family, preferably out mini golfing and laughing or on the waterslides. Something we enjoy doing together.

9. When do you feel most afraid?
When I know that Zach could easily be bullied for being different (likes cats, gardening, video games) unlike his counterparts.

10. If you could accomplish only one thing during the rest of your life, what would it be?
To have fun.

11. What bores you? Why is this?
Reading a book with multiple characters (I.E. Game of Thrones) without a map drawn out in front of me to understand everyone’ relationship.
It confuses me.

12. How important is money to you? How much time do you spend thinking about it?
If I have money, I usually spend it on things I like. If not, then I make do with what I have.

13. What is the role of God in your life? Do you believe there is a God, and if so, what is God like in relation to you?
“You can’t save me now”. No, no God.

14. What three interests are you most passionate about?
Photography, Wildlife, and Forestry – Environmental. Building, exploring.

15. Who is your biggest enemy, and precisely how and why did this person become your enemy?
Myself, intrusive thoughts.

16. How important is food to you? Do you feel disciplined when it comes to eating?
I love food. Whether I make it horrible or find out how to make something delicious (chicken cooked in butter with minced onion and garlic powder as a seasoning). It takes time to learn how to do something right and not a lot of happiness when it turns out horrible.

17. Does the idea of being married to the same person for the rest of your life sound appealing to you—or not so appealing? What is there about it that you would especially like or not like?
Depends. Fifty years from now, I don’t know.

18. Do you consider yourself emotionally healthy? In what ways are you especially healthy, and in what ways could you use improvement?
Hah. At the moment, I want to turn into a fox and hunt for food. Thirst.

19. Do you argue very much with the people closest to you? How does it usually turn out?
Oh yes. It’s good to have two sides of an argument, see their perspective.

20. What specifically would you like your closest friends to say about you at your funeral?
Open minded but troubled inside. A calm in the storm but chaos raging inside.


Mother teaches child how to fend off buggers and then sits in the bird feeder.

Instead of the dinky peanut butter jars which would continuously flip over with the wind and be a hassle to the other birds, I made a semi-shallow bird feeder. Basically, it holds its own wait and the birds just land on it or land in it.


It’s the nostalgia
of spring time
every spring our team
would reawaken from our slumber
and drive to the ball fields
playing our hearts out
bleeding a little,
listening to coaches and parents
swear at the umpires,
cheering and yelling
and pitches in the dirt.

“down down down”
as the play to third would come down to an inch
to the microscopic eye
and the pounds of dust
i have consumed over my lifetime
could fill hundreds of baseball fields

My dog is this crazy goof
and I looked up Goof vs Goon
and what came up reminded
me of five or so years ago
when i first moved here and
fell in love with how the trees waved
their arms when i walked past
and would comfort me with their leaves
if the sun was being a meanie
and the one tree that is still growing
in our front yard which i reversed into

and laugh all you want
but i kissed that tree for two weeks
pleading that it would still grow
because i liked watching the buds grow
and how they would pollute my yard with
love and honesty.
coming back year after year. never failing to be there.

Oh yeah. Our garden has red ants and while I was I guess “tilling” the soil – it was more like digging it up and throwing it into the wheelbarrow one of them bit me in my hand. So I looked online and it said “sprinkle cayenne pepper”. So I sprinkled cayenne pepper and a wave of wind came right at me and pepper came into my eye.

I guess that is what I get.